A recent series of studies published in the Harvard Business Review in March 2014 shed some light on the ways top organization leaders seek help and support from their life partners. In total, 4,000 executives and board members interviewed on the span of five years, to uncover their insights when it comes to personal life for a successful professional.
Different Proportions, but Similar Paths
From 1980 to 2011, the number of senior executive women in Fortune 100 companies has grown from 0% to 11% in 2001 and to 17.7% in 2011. Interestingly, the women’s path to success was very similar to the men’s : It took on average 28 years for women to get to their current position, versus 29 years for men. They have generally been promoted every four years, versus every five years for men. Despite these similarities, the challenges they face proved to be different. Hence, the way in which a spouse can contribute to their success differs.
Conciliating Family and Work
The support executive men and women have at home in their daily chores varies a lot according to gender: 60% of men have spouses who don’t work full-time outside of home, compared to 10% of women. In the surveys, 26% of the men said their spouses were contributing to practical help as a form of support, raising children, housekeeping, etc., compared to 13% of women. Men were also much more prone to view themselves as “working for their family”, and justifying their absence through a “provider of the family” narrative than women. They were often appreciative of the fact their spouses tolerated long hours and relocated when needed.
Women, on the other hand, stressed they received help from their partner when men were willing to “free them from traditional roles”, letting them focus on their carers. Women mentioned they regularly paid for services that included getting the groceries, cooking, even getting the children dressed, so they could use their spare free time for “the important stuff” with their children, instead of spending time doing chores. The interesting conclusion seemed to be that men often praised their spouses for the positive contributions they made to their careers, while women praised their other half for not interfering in it.
Support Networks
Both men and women stressed the important of support systems at home and at work, to make it to the top. They said their partners “shared their vision of success, brought complementary skills, and provide various types of support”. Interestingly, both men and women ranked emotional support as the most important thing their partner brought to them, along with accepting career demands.
Relocation for International Assignments
Willingness to relocate was another contribution deemed important by both genders to a very similar degree (8% for women, 10% for men). Both genders mentioned they had turned down offers for international assignments due to children (32%) or to keep their marriage (28%). Some executives pointed out that young children were very mobile – that it was more 12-13 years old teenagers that were a concern in terms of moving.
Support in Colleagues
Support also extended to the professional network. While men tend to prefer separating professional and personal networks, women were divided 50-50 on the question, with some preferring to mix both, since they spend so much time in the workplace, while others made an effort to keep them separated in order to look more professional. Many women mentioned the need to be a different person at work, and the fact they had been coached not to mention their family or children at work, so as to not be discredited as a leader, or seen as someone with less dedication for work (because of larger obligations at home). If this seems like a strange statement, have a look at the findings below.
Downplaying Differences
A study conducted by Harvard and Duke on minorities showed the kind of issues just described was a problem across all groups: gender, sexual orientation and ethnicity. In this study, 3000 employees coming from 20 different large US companies discussed their experience in becoming successful leaders. All of them stressed the importance of inclusiveness and blending in.
In fact, 61% of them mentioned they had felt pressure either over or covert, to cover their differences in some ways, in order to fit in and succeed. Of these, 66% felt it undermined their sense of self, 51% felt it affected how they viewed their chances of progression in the company and 50% felt it lowered their sense of commitment. The surprising find was that even though covering behaviours were more common amongst minority groups (83% gays, 79% blacks, 66% women, 63% Hispanics and 61% Asians), an impressive 45% of men used covering-up tactics, aimed at masking their differences such as age, physical disabilities and mental health issues. The four tactics most commonly used across all groups to cover their differences were the following:
– Appearance: 29% of respondents changes how they dressed and behaved to fit into the economical-social class befitting their aspirations
– Affiliation: 40% of respondents were careful not to mention anything about themselves that may associate them with a certain group in society that may be ridden with stereotypes or negative assumptions.
– Advocacy: 57% of respondents did not stick up for their own groups (cultural, gender or sexual orientation) when inappropriate jokes or comments were being made, for fear of being alienated.
– Association: 18% were careful not to be in contact with other members from the same group – be it by avoiding hanging out with others from their own culture, or avoiding Cancer Causes in order not to let on colleagues on their personal situation at home.
What Does this All Mean?
The conclusion of these three studies are quite interesting: although it seems men and women have similar needs in terms of succeeding, their most pressing issues may differ, since their situation may be different. It is important to keep in mind the remarks below concern a sub-set of men and women, and not the entire population, as this study was specifically conducted with executives in large US organizations. It is reasonable to think that certain character traits and types of personalities are naturally more drawn to these positions, and hence the following conclusions can not be generalized for men and women at large.
Men’s Greatest Spouse
In the studies, executive men tend to value organizational achievements and ongoing learning and development. Financial success is also very important. For men, it seems that the outward recognition be very important. Praising, celebrating and encouraging the partner throughout their progress in the organization may be a way to support him. In order to achieve high positions and earn more money, many men in this study relied on their spouses to support them: The most notable things they expect from their spouse are emotional understanding, practical help, as well as advice on their business or career. Many men said they loved bouncing back ideas with their partner to get some practice at countering different points of views.
Women’s Greatest Spouse
Women in the studies mentioned seemed to pursue personal achievement, a career where they are passionate about what they do, receiving respect and making a difference. They also faced increased difficulties due to stereotypes and being minorities in the workplace. Not surprisingly, emotional support was the highest-ranking item on their wish list when it came to their spouse’s support. Praising and celebrating a woman’s achievements in terms of being fulfilled in her professional life and achieving her life dreams may be a way to support her. Displaying respect and admiration for her endeavours and professional achievements, and celebrating the impact she has on other people’s lives, or in her professional field, is also a way to emotionally support a female leader spouse. In addition, going beyond simply “not hindering” a woman’s career, a spouse may help contribute positively to it, be it through support at home with chores and children upbringing, or by offering the opportunities for relocation and supporting her with business and career advice for her life.
When Both are Leaders
Regardless of the gender, both men and women executives mentioned their highest need to be emotional support from their spouse. This is something that cannot be bought and requires an honest effort on both parts to support each other. Most other things, however, can be bought. Help for house chores, children upbringing and other such things can be provided by third parties, in a couple where both spouses are high-profile. The HBR article “Manage Your Work, Manage Your Life” opens the article with defining what is important to leaders – males, and females. That is perhaps no coincidence: the secret to managing a household where two high-achievers cohabit may be in truly understanding what matters most to each – and making choices to optimize that and support each other.
Sources: You can read the articles “Manage Your Work, Manage Your Life”, “Who’s Got the Top Jobs?” and “Fear of Being Different Stifles Talent” in the Harvard Business Review’s issue of March 2014.
Corina on Work 